hello,

okay this is like probably the longest interval in recent years that i haven't updated this space. i swear there's multiple occasions when i signed onto this account with the intention of wanting to update stuff but just didn't manage to start/complete a post. i guess i've been really busy and caught up with so much stuff that i feel that i can hardly breathe sometimes.

exams have ended and i've completed my 4th year (hopefully, since results arent out yet). i'm worried about my overall results even though i think this time's written exam is pretty manageable, mainly because of the many other components that i didn't manage to do as well as i should. but oh wells, i've tried my best i suppose and i'm leaving everything to God :)
4th year 2nd sem is supposedly the most difficult semester ever in the dental course so i'm thankful to God that He has pulled me through this whole year.

somehow i'm already getting scared about next year (omg, final year), knowing how stressful it can be towards the end of the year. so many things to worry/stress about and its just daunting :( and time just passes so fast that i can hardly catch up with it. like i can't believe its going to be Dec next week. damn fast.

i've been really easily annoyed and impatient recently. i'm just upset at the way i treat others and taking people and things for granted. :(
i'm going to lakes entrance after my dad goes back to sg. hopefully it'll take things off my mind a little and i hope i don't miss my dad too much (it shouldn't be that bad i hope, since i'm headed home in 2 weeks time). what i feel super sian is that i have 3 clinical sessions the following week. k was saying that we should just enjoy our short getaway tgt but then again, its so difficult to not think/worry about clinical stuff since i'm having clinics when i come back from this road trip. i really pray hard that everything goes well with the issuance of denture and splint. and more importantly, my patients being able to attend the sessions.

life's quite sad in the sense that there's like no end to worrying. after something's done, we have something else to think/worry about. or maybe its just me, who always thinks further ahead and finds stuff to worry about. idk.

:'( and :')

still trying to get over what happened. and i'm so dreading this week, esp tomorrow. Lord, please give me strength to overcome my fears.

i've been thinking way too much, feeling upset about stuff that i should have already gotten over. but u know how there's just some triggers (e.g. people around u) which remind u of unhappy stuff (but of course they don't do it intentionally) which just pulls u back down to where u started off.

anyways kind of relieved that OSCE was over yesterday. holidays have started, but not on a good note, and definitely not the way i want it to start. i keep reminding myself that God've made plans for me, and i should accept them and make the most out of what i'm going through.

so the consequence of thinking too much, is waking up at 6am on the first day of my holiday (after sleeping past 2am the night before). been sleep-deficient the previous nights. i wonder how my mind even have the energy to think about stuff. and crying the moment u wake up isn't a good start to the day. i thought tomorrow is always a better day?

didn't join the rest for post-exam dinner yesterday (didn't want people to sense that i was unhappy), but instead, had dinner with su and joseph (my favourite couple). hanging out with them kind of cheered me up a little. they are just so reassuring. like when they tell u not to think about it, u will really be kind of convinced to not think about it (though its not a lasting effect but at least it works for a while). so glad to have them around. on a side note, su showed me this korean singer that totally made my day and she sent me some pic of me and him side-by-side that she put tgt. awww she's too sweet :)

and my other awesome friends - mitch, yt, jm and parmesh, thanks for showing concern/trying to make me feel better. 

mum has been praying esp hard for me this period and i know my family gives me the utmost moral support. appreciate all that they have done :')

for now, i'll stay strong :')

:'(

my heart sank.

down :(

hate it whenever i have to post something with the title containing ':('

but i guess i don't have choice cause i'm really feeling down.

 

did my first extractions of 2 retained roots and suture (!!!) today, but somehow, i don't feel happy/excited. 

cause maybe i fumbled quite a bit and didn't get things right the first time.

and i'm worried about getting a suitable pt for my case pres. and getting an endo pt. most prob i can't complete an endo case this sem. just because i wasted time on a particular pt who couldn't be bothered to come. so damn annoyed with her. 

so many things to worry about. sigh. this is just life, isn't it?

talking to mitch kind of makes me feel happy, but then again, we talk for hours over the phone. hours that can be spent on studying, talking to my family (which i feel bad for not calling them sometimes) and doing other useful stuff like exercising. lol but seriously and honestly, i wouldn't exactly see it as a waste of time. i'm glad that i've got a good guy friend whom i can tell him anything under the sun.

should i follow his advice about what i should do next? idk. =( 

i'm just such a confused person. being my friends can be a really tiring thing. thanks friends for being there for me :)

 

exam sorrows

last two days were so bad. so so bad. in terms of my productivity. i actually slept at 10pm for the past two nights (saturday and sunday night). maybe its because i needed to catch up with my sleep (after sleeping only 6 hours in total for 2 consecutive nights). i really hope that's the case, and not because my brain's repelling the notes and putting me to sleep.

i always feel like crying (and i do actually tear) whenever i go to church during exam period. cause going to church reminds me of my mum who always praying for me whenever i go through tough and stressful times. and it makes me miss her presence so much. =(

i remember my mum being with me during my first year's final exam and she was REALLY by my side. she stayed in my apartment most of the time (the only times she went out were to buy groceries). she just read the newspaper to occupy herself when i was studying. i've got to admit that it was rather distracting, but the feeling of having someone to be there physically beside u is so reassuring. whenever she prayed for me when she was with me, it felt so encouraging. and i guess that's why that semester i got the award for dent materials.

sigh, now that i'm in this exam shit again, i really want my mum to be here and to tell me, "its okay, just do your best."

i know i'll still eventually pull through this even if i'm alone but it's going to be tough.

i'll have to be braver.

just to side-track a little, someone went to church on sunday and i was thinking to myself at the start of the service if he would be there (cause he don't usually go and only went once to our church). and he really went. it was really quite a surprise and it made me really quite happy :) i'm beginning to change my impression of him.

okay back to study. i've got to press on.

pray.

so screwed

:'(

couldn't pack my amalgam restoration properly.
had some deficiency and excess on the same resin incisal corner restoration.
how bad is that for a pract exam. :(

but at least i had something to hand up (if i want to make myself feel a tweeny bit better).
imagine if i had decided to remove my restoration and re-do at the last minute but had no time. that's the worst ever that can happen.

feeling so so down :'(

haven't spoke to mummy for almost 5 days cause i can't bring myself to call her. i'll just break down (as it always happen during exams).

what should i do :(

emo

suddenly feel scared for my cons (pract) exams and my written papers.

suddenly miss home (esp my mummy) so much.

:'(

life is as such

JO! THANKS for your fb message PLUS tags (: glad that i talked to u cause it made me feel better. yup i'll TRY to dwell less on things and get some optimism from u. u too stress less okay?

ahhh if only i could do whatever i feel like doing.

like, go to bed and sleep when i'm super tired and already dozing off on my notes. and not feel guilty that i have not completed the chapters that i planned to revise. [ really miss those times when i could just sleep well throughout the night and not think about stuff on my bed ]

like, be anti-social and not go out with friends when i don't feel like it and just tell them "cause i don't feel like going anywhere". don't like the feeling of having to come out with excuses that i have something else on cause all i'll end up doing is to stay at home and have some quiet time with myself. [yes and i realised how much i like spending time with myself. had a morning walk after my 1st lesson ended yesterday. walked along lygon and grab my favourite hot cross bun from baker's delight. i felt kind of carefree (at least for a while)].

how i wish i won't feel guilty whenever i feel like i'm wasting time. its a horrible feelingggg :( i hate having to plan for the days ahead. like how i must study more today in case there are outings the next few days. it didn't used to be like that (before i came to melb). wonder what happened to me :( realised that whatever i talk about in here is somewhat related to study. but sometimes i feel that its not the amount of work that is driving me crazy, but rather its myself pushing myself too hard and there's nobody here to stop me. its like a positive feedback cycle. whenever i study ahead of my plan, i'll have excess time which i'll just use it to study more. and the cycle just goes on. sometimes i tell myself that even if i take things a bit easier, i'll still do fine. but i still can't do it though i'm trying hard. SIGHHH.

and deep in my heart, i know studies aren't worrying me the most. rather its the thing that starts with R. i know nobody can help me cause i need to answer the question myself and its just mindblowing. debb is always there for me whenever i need someone to talk about it. very grateful for this friend (: and whenever i mention this issue to my mum, she'll say some things and i'll just feel very bad. i don't want her to know that i'm at it again. not sure if i'm making the right decision or have i even decided on it. i really don't know.

=(

damn sad. i feel so stupid.

UPDATES

i have lots to say... [don't read unless u have time to listen to me rant]

i just ended my mid-terms unoffically[cause there's still german]. LIKE FINALLY. ok, its prob too much of an exaggeration to say FINALLY. cause i had 3 papers which lasted for 2 days. HA, 2 days only. but trust me, its really mentally draining. basically because the papers were super crammed. last sat evening i had MLE [taking a paper on a weekend evening, can u believe it]. then today [monday] i had econs and maths. both in the evening. both at the same venue, for me. could just rot in MPSH 1 for hours u know.

i didn't have much time to prepare for the papers [with all the f1 race, tuition and driving lessons, i guess its understandable why i had no time]. went to sch early to chiong my last min revision for econs and maths this morning. and my day only ended at 9.30PM [pens down for maths]. wah, come to think about it, i actually spent around 14 hours in sch. totally shagged. but really grateful to seamus who drove me home. taking his car home was a real relief=D seamus kept making me laugh with his driving tips. he says that he park -whether vertical or parallel, by "FEEL". ... HAHAH, ok, so much for learning where's the sighting points for parking during my driving lessons (i'm currently learning parking, which means soon i can book my test. yay.)[talking about driving, i thought it was really a coincidence to meet john at the driving centre on friday.]

i feel disappointed about my econs paper [not saying that MLE and maths were ok]. the mcq wasn't easy. lots of manipulation for the calculation questions. tricky questions and answers. its like A)__________; B)_____________; C)_______________;D) B and C; E) all of the above. i was like WTH [haha ok, doesn't sound like me to say this. guess its a little too much influence from the guys and i just need to let some feelings out]. i'm not really feeling that bad as i may sound, just a little hmm... upset and frustrated. shall not fret over it. i'll just TRY to be positive.

i was looking forward to the end of today cause tmr i'm not going sch. wed's holiday. thurs - prob i'm self-declaring a holiday cause there's only 1hr maths and prob make-up for german. so back to sch on fri. HA, 2 sch days for me this week. but i realised that my german mid-term paper is next week. SO FAST. cannot have too long a break cause there's lots to study.

german is really getting v intensive. a friend of mine [who's learning french], said that what he's learning now in french is what he learnt in english during kindergarten. how true is that man. today i just learnt how to read the time on the clock in german. so difficult la. all the half-past six, 12.02, 17.56 crap. haha.

the f1 race was really cool. dad went down for the friday qualifying. my sis (and i) got him the grandstand ticket as his birthday present [he loves f1 u see, and it seems that i'm getting influenced too]. i didn't go - no time + no ticket. but i watched the telecast last night (the whole race). think that the race was really v exciting. how could someone miss seeing Raikkonen crashed during the final fourth lap and how the fueling hose (or whatever u call that) stuck to massa's ferrari when he moved off from the pit-stop. its so scary! and my sis and i realised that raikkonen is good-looking. hamilton's not bad too. hee.

tuesday
today was v hectic. after going toa payoh to get some stuff done, i had driving and oh my, driving was really bad today =( =( =( sigh, i guess some instructors really make me feel v lousy. i need encouragement, please.

and i had tuition later. my tutee is really v funny la.
Tutee: teacher, u still have any papers?
Me: yup got german next week.
Tutee: ok... if u do well, i'll buy u a lollipop.
Me: ..... erm, HAHA ok.

she's sec 4 (taking o levels soon) and she's really sweet. such a tutee really makes teaching tuition a joy.

lost and confused

okay, i'm not exactly confused. i'm feeling more lost. more lost than ever.

why must things always turn out this way? when i'm telling myself to accept what i've got now, something else must happen and make me think about things ALL over again. AGAIN. 2 months back, i received the initial offer for a course which i nv thought of doing but its something i don't mind and so i had to think really hard about the offer. then now that i chose to stick to nus chem engin, another offer came. and this time its something that i really want. was kind of happy when i saw the offer. but then later, i don't feel happy anymore. there's too many considerations and i'm running short of time. why can't everything just run smoothly. if only all these will just end soon. i feel stretched and somehow tortured by all these. i need to make the decision by myself. can't possibly always depend on my parents and sis right. if not, i really doubt i can survive overseas all by myself.

i'm going to call the uni tmr. and i'm hoping that things will go my way. praying really hard. and where are those people when i need them most!

there's so many things happening this month and i feel really tired. and i'm actually wasting time in sch tmr. well, i guess at least there's sean and yuan qi to rot with me.

i thought german lecture was fine today. (the lecture group is really small - almost the size of a tutorial group and they actually call it a lecture). mr martin doepel was interesting. some words really sound vulgar. i feel kind of weird practising them. when saying "my name is..." in german, its like saying *&^@#!. my sis was laughing (not at me, i hope). i can conclude that vulgarities don't suit me. or rather, i'm not suitable to say those stuff.

i'm like so irritated with someone today. glad i won't see this person for the rest of the week (and hopefully next week and next next week).

okay, i guess i'm really v grumpy today. shall rest early and stop thinking about stuff. things will get better. hopefully.